Caretakers as Martyrs

In my last blog post I said that I would write about a problem I myself have done and am witnessing more and more as of late, that of the caretaker martyr.

What exactly is a caretaker martyr? There are many of us that are natural born caretakers. We help all that ask or need it in anyway we can or those closest to us. With healthy boundaries and a sense of self this type of care taking is usually not a problem. The problem arises when the caretaker is giving away more and more of themselves without receiving enough care back on a regular basis.

The biggest problem with this kind of care taking is to the caretaker themselves. With giving more than receiving the caretaker starts to suffer and consistently sacrifices their mental and emotional health. This can lead to feelings of emptiness, frustration, depression, anxiety, just to name a few. The caretaker starts to fade until there is nothing left for anyone to take. It can lead to the caretaker feeling as if they don’t deserve the same care and are meant to suffer alone through life.

While the above is a very painful journey for the caretaker and the main concern there is another side to this issue as well. When we martyr ourselves to care for others we are not only causing us determent, but we are actually causing determent to those that we are trying so hard to take care of as well. How is this possible?

In this martyr context while trying to support, protect and take care of others we are stopping their own growth. They are not moving on the life path that they are meant to move down. They are not learning the life lessons that they are supposed to be learning. And honestly it is stopping our own growth and happiness as well. Depending on circumstances and the role of the other person in the relationship we may also be stopping them from finding not only themselves but someone who will love them fully.

So how do we determine if we or someone we know are a caretaker martyr? First and most importantly, do you feel you are giving to others more than you yourself are receiving on a constant basis? Are those you are taking care of not advancing in their life path? *i.e. having the same problem over and over, not changing detrimental behaviors, have addiction issues they refuse to acknowledge, etc*. Do you resonate with the words of this blog post? Do you feel that you don’t have someone that supports, listens to, and gives to you among those you take care of? Because of how much you give are you having more problems with depression, helplessness, anxiety, emptiness, feeling like there is nothing else and this is your lot in life?  Then chances are that yes you are a caretaker martyr!

So, if this is you how do you fix it? That is one of the hardest answers and no one answer fits everyone. Anyone who says that is the case you need to get away from immediately 😉. The first step is to examine the situation and those involved. Is this a child? A spouse? A family member? What affect is it having on each person? The next step is to determine the action that needs to be taken.

One resolution could be that better boundaries need to be drawn by the caretaker. They need to pull back in how much they do for the other and express that they are not receiving the care and love they need and honestly deserve back. Another solution is to step away from the person and say enough is enough. While this is one of the hardest steps to take, sometimes it is the needed action to allow for all parties involved to move forward.

I am not saying run out and cut off all those you take care of to save yourself. There are many in between solutions as well. You must make the decision as to which solution works for you and those involved and then make it happen. What I am saying is stop being a martyr!! Taking care of others is fine but when you give more than you receive that is not okay and is not living. I don’t say this with just observation but as one who was guilty of doing the same thing. And what I have learned is it was not loving those I was taking care of, it was not protection. It was death of soul for all involved and definitely death of soul for me.

I leave you with this quote that always resonates with me when thinking of this subject:

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. 
~ Norman Cousins